Feb
21
2011
the good, the bad, and the honest truth.
Adoption is hard. It is a wonderfully, amazing journey FULL of God’s grace and provision. But the truth is…it is hard.
And while we are head over heals in love with our newest son and finding MANY reasons to be joyous that he is home with us (finally)…there are still hard moments. I want to be real about our experience in hopes that I don’t set unrealistic expectations for others that choose this path. But let me first say this. You WILL love your adopted child (eventually). You WILL have the strength to muddle through any problems that arise (through God’s strength). You WILL seriously think about doing this again (even before you have fully recovered from the first round…that’s just a bit of fair warning!).
Looking back on our trip to Ethiopia I have such mixed emotions. We were elated to finally be holding our son…yet my heart was breaking for his loss. He was losing the only home and care givers he had ever known. At the time I chose to show images that reflected OUR emotions. We were happy, joyful, and on cloud 9. But as I sift back through these images I see another side of the story. I see Daniel’s hurt. His dismissal of us (at times). His avoidance. Fortunately, there were also MANY smiles and giggles to round out our trip! But the pain for him WAS real and evident and has continued in some ways even now that we are home for good.
And even once we have been home there has been a sense of loss. Even through the happiness, I grieve our family the way it was before. I miss the convenience of having kids that didn’t require my attention every second of the day. I miss my independence, my sleep, my “me time”. Our bigger kids are missing our undivided attention. I miss being able to leave the house.
The road of adoption is not without sacrifice. But sometimes the BIGGEST blessings come when we allow God to push us into scary territory. Daniel made huge sacrifices to become a member of our family. He deserves a family that will do the same for him.
The transformation in our son over the past five weeks has been mind boggling. He is growing (at an alarming rate), gaining a schedule, hitting developmental milestones, and adjusting more every day. He’s a different baby than the baby we met that Saturday morning at the orphanage. The fear in his eyes has been replaced with a mischievous twinkle. The kitten-like cry has become constant baby babble. And the ever present hand to his face has been completely given up…and exchanged for deliberate eye contact, hugs, and little hands reaching out.
The hard is real. But it makes the good that much better. And I’d walk this path of sleepless nights and mouth clenched meals over a thousand times to have the privilege of parenting my son.
Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. It is a great gift to others when they experience similar moments. We aren’t there yet completely but will be soon.
Great post, Jenn! It is always so encouraging to me when other mamas write posts like this sharing the hard as well as the wonderful, so that other mamas in process will know what it can/will be like, and also the ones like me who have been there know we weren’t the only ones it was hard for at times!
Blessings to you and your precious family!
thanks for being so real…love hearing your honesty and I think it will be so helpful to those who adopt
Wow!! I understand…and love the way you wrote this! I think God allows us to grieve about our “past” so way can better understand a bit ofthe loss of our adopted child. I also find myself so sad when I think about our daughter’s mom and the tears she shed when we met. It’s sometimes so consuming I can only imagine what our daughter is thinking and grieving when her little mind/heart goes there. Thanks for being real!
Having been one who chose to place her baby for adoption I wholeheartedly agree with your statement, “The road of adoption is not without sacrifice.” There are many different levels of sacrifice and loss for all involved . . . the birth mom, the adoptive mom and the child himself. Thanks to all mothers everywhere who have sacrificed in order to give your child what you believe to be the very best. That’s what it’s all about . . . doing what’s best for the child.
Jenn – your post is both beautiful and honest. I think of it not as you choosing Daniel, or Daniel choosing you…I think of it as God giving everyone such a huge blessing to complete your family. What a remarkable journey and a true love story!! Sending hugs your way…I cannot wait to meet him!
I love these updates and pictures. I love this post with its heart-wrenching reality and sweet surrender to God through His grace and love.
You are such a precious family.
God bless you both.
Love
Jen
Thanks for writing this. Appreciated your honesty… Daniel, and the rest of your kiddos, are blessed!
It’s the entry we all need to write. Blessings friend.
Beautifully written! I think it is wonderful that you are willing to share *all* aspects of your journey in order to encourage others. And just as in any path we take in life, having the Lord to walk with makes all the difference in the world! Blessings to your family as you continue making the necessary adjustments.
He’s a lucky boy. Loved in his previous life and even more now.
This comment?
“Daniel made huge sacrifices to become a member of our family. He deserves a family that will do the same for him.”
SO powerful. Thank you for sharing.
You’ve named your sister “The Writer,” but you are able to write such beautiful stories…full of emotion and truth. I pray for God’s peace and that He gives you time to rest.
Jenn, Although we didn’t adopt, we did just welcome Kendyn in the world and I can completely relate to this post! “I miss the convenience of having a child that didn’t require my attention every second of the day. I miss my independence, my sleep, my “me time”. Kayin is missing our undivided attention. I miss being able to leave the house.” But as you said, God provides us with some pretty miraculous blessings and we wouldn’t change them for the world!
I was sent your blog from my friend Sarah Sorell. THANK YOU for this post! We just adopted a 4 1/2 year old special needs boy from Ukraine. And while he is doing wonderfully I feel so much of what you are describing here. That identical feeling of grieving my family the way it was before, etc. Those exact feelings. It is comforting to not be alone as I have read and been encouraged by other adoptive parents who have said these are all NORMAL feelings and that “this too shall pass”. Feel free to visit our adoption blog http://www.togiveafutureandahope.blogspot.com
Thank you again for this – I have found comfort in it.
Blessings,
Allison